Shifting from Wanting to end my life to Feeling Worthy of Life Part 1 of 3

Have you Fluffed up so many times you feel unworthy, unloved, disconnected and alone?  Sometimes so much is going right and yet still all those things and feeling angry, Not good enough, don’t know where to turn.  You may have beautiful loved ones in your life that just don’t know how to support or help.  And when they or we do, it’s clumsy or even worse causes harm and you may too.

Even though they and we mean it with Love it shows up as Fear, Judgement, Ridicule and Not Good Enoughs.  Btw the way our kids pick up that stuff too, in fact you may be even more like me and you’ve struggled with this since Middle School or earlier.  You may have at times now or in the past had suicidal thoughts and tendencies, depression or even attempts, you're not alone.   I’ve been there too many times.

In fact I wanted to end the pain and hurt, the feelings of worthlessness, failure, not good enough, damaged goods, not worthy of Life, Happiness & Abundance.  The only thing your good at is service to others, doing what you're told not what you want, you only matter if you do the right things, Do, Do, Do, Put on a happy Face, Smile, Don’t show your emotions, don’t let anyone in, don’t trust anyone, they’re only out to get you, Fear, Anger, Rage, Belittling, Don’t Do that, You can’t do that, you’ll be in pain, the rest of your life will be full of pain inflammation and Dis-Ease, getting worse and worse over the years.

And the progression for me began around Middle School the Age my Daughter is now, my Dream Come True and a Big hint, She’s the Why behind my investing and deep diving into My Personal Development, Parenting classes, books while Healing me, Change Begins in Me.

By the time I hit Middle School to say my balloon was Full, ever expanding and leaking out on Everyone I love, would be an understatement.  Btw, Side note, SoulShoppe out of Oakland it's a Workshop given at the Schools and where I learned the balloon reference.  Kids and Adults don’t come with owner manuals, we are all doing the best we can and thankful for better outside resources today.

My suicidal thoughts, self harm and escapism began slowly and continued from then up until now this past Monday, June 7th, 2021, cause yet again I am human and make mistakes, I fluff up, we all do on Shitake.  Thankful for the people, resources and tools I have in my life today as those thoughts are very few these days and if they come, they are fleeting thoughts today that are Released with Love, Compassion, Kindness, Grace and Forgiveness.  Forgiveness & Gratitude have been keys for me.

The Self harm manifested in so many ways from fighting & lashing out to drugs and alcohol, overworking & overdoing for others, showing up in obligation rather than invitation, acting like a martyr, a know it all, the neener neener my whatever is better, talking shitake, hoarding and buying to fill the voids & pains, overstimulating, understimulating, pills, Dr’s, Dis-Ease, Inflammation, Ridicule & Judgement of self and others.

I’ve attempted and done so many things from my youth on, even getting so drunk when I was a new mom, I hoped & prayed I would run into the hill or off the cliff so Jazz could have a better life without me in it.  

I thankfully and gratefully have had many beautiful human angels that sometimes gracefully or clumsily (and I too) and a higher power of my belief that I know today why it wasn’t meant to be.

Many may scoff at why I didn’t seek out more help and Dr’s.  Oh I have from my Grandma when I was younger and throughout life, so many ways and times I’ve reached out.  It makes my head spin and whirl from the experiences and Blessed by the Lessons, Thankful and Grateful today.

The Bottom line is I needed to truly learn How to Shift my own Shitake, even when others do harm, they and I really don’t mean to, sometimes we're just clumsy and ungraceful at it.   Thankfully I have beautiful kids in my life so I can observe, learn and grow for me and hopefully for them too.  Change Begins in Me.   

In the next 2 parts, I’ll share a little more of what I’ve had to do for me and my family, so we could find more Inner Peace and Happiness, the Things in Life that are Priceless to us.   

Thank you so much for Reading and if you’d love more support, check out my Free Private Facebook Group Hardcore & Heart Centered Caretaker Souls, where we support each other in being our best selves.  Encouraging, Empowering while honoring Pauses as needed to make shifts for our own alignment and divine timing.

I’m also in the midst of revamping my low budget course on How to Shift your Shitake, Cause that’s the bottom line, I’d love to help guide & coach you on your journey of shifting the Shitake in our lives that has kept some of Stuck & Stagnant in Mind, Body, Spirit & Home Wellness for far too long.  We have a weekly group call, where we check in and deep dive a little more on ways to shift it through Mindset, Motivation and Movement with a lil more Play, Fun and Ease.  It has helped me shift so much it crazy and I’m thankful.

See you soon for the next 2...