Hello Beautiful People
I love this weeks Blog, it is around my I'm Perfectly Imperfect Design as this is something I struggled with for tooo long. Sabotaging relationships as I thought I needed to be heard and understood. Always Feeling Not Good Enough, Having to prove I was Right, that I am a Good person, always Doing to compensate for the feeling inside me that I was just not good enough and I didn't matter unless I was Doing for others, up until now. What I know today is no matter how loud or soft we speak, we all hear from where we are. We may not always agree or even be able to come to a compromise in that moment, especially if there is more than 1 passionate and/or trauma triggered individual involved in the discussion and it's okay. We can agree to disagree with kindness as what's right for some may not be right for all and again that's okay, You do your Best you Boo.
In my early years of recovery and adulting, I thought I had to take on the world in order to help change the world. I thought I had to change others thoughts & beliefs in order to be heard and seen, to help make this world a better place. Fighting for all the injustices of the world. What I know today, I have to take on myself as it's the only thing I have control of my thoughts, reactions, responses and triggers. That's the only way to make changes in me and my outside world too. The cool thing is I also know, Change Begins in Me. What does that mean? It means when I was coming home or waking up angry with life that no one did anything right, or what I asked, no one helps, no one hears me, no one listens, all the Shitake I was telling myself, because I didn't feel good enough to ask for help, give myself & others grace while I speak my truth with openness, rather I would speak my truth in defense. I laugh at myself today as, What the Fluff Crystal, really do you listen when people show up in defense? Hell to the nah nah nah, let's get really real. If someone came to me before my inner work, I had very cut and dry, cookie cutter, black & white reactions and responses, my way or no way, short sweet to the point responses and would not hear others thoughts.
However, my beautiful lil family that loves me and themselves so much they refused to engage in my ick or my Grrr. So while I was stuck in not feeling good enough, mad at the situations, the why me's, why do they do that to me, why do they act like that, all the things, judging others behaviors, thoughts and actions rather than handling my own shitake, it was way easier at that time. To look at (what I thought was) helping others correct their behaviors to knowing it is something I need to correct in me and if they desire the shift too, they will ask. I can't save anyone but myself and if they want the change they will do it their way, if they want the help they will ask and as long as I am Being open with love, compassion & grace, as we are all doing the best we can with the resources and experiences we had, we may Rise together. When I would shove my beliefs on others, rather than listening and sharing our stories for experience strength and hope for each others life's, I damaged a lot of relationships with my behavior. It's not my job to fix others, it's my job to work on me, show up authentically me and allow others to show up authentically as well, so that we may all speak with kindness for ourselves and each other.
I was the Beast that roared at the world Doing everything to make it Right. Today I take on my Inner Beast with the Love, Grace, Compassion and Kindness I used to give so freely to others that took advantage unknowingly and would unleash my protective survival beast. Today I take the Pause, find my woosah and figure out what the situation is triggering in me. If it triggers me, it's something I need to resolve in me, it doesn't mean the other persons behavior is cool, it just means, I can only change me. If I show up in anger and Grrrr, no one or thing can change for the good and truly that's what we are all hear for, the Good. The Good in life, the Best things in life which are free Love, Connection, Compassion, Kindness and Grace for ourselves and others.
Bottom line we are all Imperfectly Imperfect and we are all doing the best we can. When I show up in love, grace and kindness for me first, honoring me and my inner space first then showing up for others, that's where Shift Happens for me. The best part is I am seeing it in others to and I don't have to be the Grumpy Bear policing everyone else anymore, I can show up and honor myself, if I need to pause or walk away to get my center it's okay. Those that matter will understand, those that don't understand, that's okay too. People don't have to get me, understand me or agree with me today to know my worth and this gift for myself is freaking Priceless, so much gratitude for how I Feel inside today.
Thus became the Design I'm perfectly Imperfect. Because bottom line we all are and Feeling Good inside first is my top priority so I may show up as me, all of me open honest, vulnerable and if others don't like it, that's okay too, that's their Shitake not mine. I only have control of my thoughts behaviors and actions, no one elses, not even my kid or wife, it's all on me on how I feel. Wow that's empowering and scary too. Until next week if you love what you read I dare you to take a pause when triggered and ask 3 questions...
What's this triggering for me? How can I show up authentically me? What would I love in this situation? If you can ask those for yourself, listen & speak with love & compassion move forward, if not, it may not be your shitake to handle, Let that Shitake go. I have learned My energy and how I feel is way more important than all that, we are all more than that. We can all agree to disagree with kindness or walk away and let it be, somethings I can't change, it's okay.
See you next week