Most of my life up until 3 years ago, when I found a loving open community Who Believed in me as much as I Believe in our Entire Family.  I could finally feel safe being my open vulnerable self and I could finally start exploring and sharing it with myself first and my family.

I’m not Ready to Share in person with Everyone, I am still Fragile at times and I honor that Part of me today, with Love & Grace.  I used to try and Kill that part of me, so I could Show up & Deal with the Hurt world around.  

Today I and We Stay in our Sanctuary for the most part where we feel Safe, Protected, Grounded and held free to Be ourselves without the Ridicule & Judgement of other hurt people,I know it’s meant with Love, I was there and I do it too, up until Now.   That was Then, This is Now

So today If I or lil Fam take a Pause, Decline an Invitation or ask for help to be able to show up, it’s because I’m not Strong enough in that moment to show up with Love, Grace & Compassion Space. Be Patient please & thanks. Even and Especially Strong people could use some help and hugs at times too.  We didn’t get Strong the Easy Way, Most of us Strong people got there by being drug through the mud, Crushed and Severed by some that meant it with Love and Fun, We all do.  We just do it in the Freaking clumsy Earth Suits that we wear.  It’s not always Graceful, we fluff it up at times.  And if I/We ask for help we need it, we don’t understand how at that time alone and need help navigating it.   Please show up in Love, Compassion and Grace, rather than the Neener Neener Space.  Cause Ouch that Hurts and I Crawl back in my Shell to protect myself.   

I no longer Desire to Be...O Crazy Crystal, She went off again.  If I went off it’s because my balloon got filled with all the Negative Outside Crap again (It happens to our kids and other hurt people too).   

Damn it I’m back to the Drawing board, the deep dark hole to climb out of again, Clearing, Releasing and Forgiving all the Negative Self Talk.  That was Then, This is Now.

Thankfully each time it happened, the hole got filled up a lil more with Faith, Self love, Beautiful Truthful, open People while knowing it’s all for a Good Reason and it always works out, for the Best, I am more than that, we all are.  Pause, Breathe, fill our Cups as needed and let’s Show ourselves and others the Love, Grace, Compassion & Safe Space to Be our own Beautiful Selves, even if we don’t understand or agree.  We can with Kindness and Guidance Rather than Ridicule and Shame.

I don’t know about anyone else but me for me and our lil family that Feels So Much Better.  So if I & We don’t Show up, I / We Love you and We’re not there yet.  It hurts me Deep in my soul to observe and be a part of seeing the worst in people, tearing each other down instead of Seeing the Best, and I have Played my part, up until now.

That was Then, This is Now.

I apologize for any the harm that I may have caused knowingly and unknowingly, up until now.  Thank you, I Love you, My Bad, Our Bad, I Forgive We and Let it Be.   Give me time, I’m not there yet.


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